this summer i moved back to canada. "home". in hopes of establishing a more supported, fulfilling life for myself around my family and friends.
right now - i'm not sure how i feel about it all. i kind of forgot what my family was like. that they've all changed. their lives have changed. and so have i. and that it's not MY family anymore. maybe it's too soon to tell. maybe i need to give it a better chance. maybe i just need my own space and my own life instead of being a floater latching on to everyone else's life.
i need my own purpose for being here.
i need to grow from this.
but all i know is - there's no point in looking back. there is no going back.

so here i am. starting all over again. here's to whatever lies ahead...

i need to vent

but all i can say out loud is:

fdjkjakdjfkl;ajg;kjsai;oejwrjla;jf;sdgashhikgdsak;jkd;sajkl;d##**$%%@@@agierhihtirkdjnbndfhahethjklgjklahlhgdlhkjalhfljkda!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!jfdk;aie;ajeit;a;jaektjk;aejkl;eaj;gjira;jo;jgal;jk;djkl;agdeeeeeeeewwwwwiiqjijfiaojieoj;ag

soon i will stop feeling like this...

at least hopefully less often...

at least that is the plan...

i came to write a blog because i felt like writing.

i wanted to write something positive and uplifting.

so far... i've got not much of anything.

lately things have been kind of crap.. but I still have hope. things will get better. i just need to be patient a bit longer.

i'm going to have a good long chat with one of my best friends in about an hour. she usually makes me feel better about the world, life, and myself. i truly value my friends who are good for my heart.

maybe after that i'll have something happy to write about :)

.arms.

i hope that you see right through my walls
i hope that you catch me because i'm already falling

here. but not here. but there.

sometimes, i am here - but i don't feel really here. physically i am here. but my mind is somewhere else. this sometimes, happens alot.

i am awake, my eyes are open but i feel tired and distant. i think maybe my health condition has a bit to do with that. and i am soo soo grateful that i have tons more energy and mobility than i did at this time last year. i feel almost normal again... well, most of the time. i have my days/moments that bring it all back. but other times, i sleep long hours and wake up, do one or two little things and feel exhausted again. other people's down-time has become my busy time. the fact that what people do during their holidays and relaxing days is a busy day for me, is not something that makes me feel good.

i miss feeling alive. awake. busy. purposeful.

.. and less like this...zombie-like state. where i walk around but i'm not really completely there. it gets me in trouble sometimes, when my mind is too deep in thoughts or other places and i'm not focusing on what's happening around me. i do stupid things. i get flustered which often causes me to make the situation worse. i never used to be like that... well, maybe sometimes. but not as frequently. i feel less grounded, strong, composed, together - like i used to.

i'm looking forward to when being with people is a part of my daily life again. i'm looking forward to working on gaining back my foundations, my grounding, my strength and my sense of myself and the confidence in existing that i used to have. i'm looking forward to having my friends and support systems around me again. i'm looking forward to being a part of a family again. i'm looking forward to working on myself, my health and the possibilities for my future.

soon.. :)

choosing to change

"Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important."

I read this quote on another blog today. 

I spend alot of time talking with people, writing, blogging, sharing in discussions, classes, worships, about a bunch of things that seem important. We talk about our days, our lives, loves, faith, beliefs, passions. All things I think are really important. 

But I'm still here, alone. Even when I'm with other people, I still feel really alone. I think loneliness does come from being alone. But it also encompasses alot more than that.

Is communicating enough to cure loneliness?

I don't always tell everyone all of what's on my mind but I'm not sure that would make me feel any better or my situation any more ideal. Sometimes telling people what's on my mind and how I really feel makes me feel worse. Many times, especially recently, I find it hard to even talk about my struggles with loneliness, health, etc. without fighting back tears. But I am trying to be more open with people. So I tell them. Then, I've given of myself, my insecurities, my struggles and shared with them. But what are they meant to do with that? They listen and care, but then they go to be with their families and people they love, and I'm still here. Alone. And all I really feel is their pity. That's not what I want.

So I think that while communicating is important and does help us feel more connected, build relationships and trust, and allow others to show love and support for us. There is more we need to do.

We are choosers of our own destiny.

If we want to be happy and not be lonely or sad, then we need to make choices and changes in our lives that will direct us on that path. We need to do what we need to do to make ourselves happy and feel good about the lives we are living. I feel like saying that sounds a bit selfish, like we should only look out for ourselves and screw everyone else. That's not really what I mean. I mean look out for yourself, your happiness, and do what you need to do with compassion, understanding and care for the lives of the people around you and those which your choices affect. But I ultimately think that if we choose to make ourselves happy, then the lives we touch will be better off as well. "How can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself?"

One of my friends always uses the quote "nothing changes if nothing changes" and I think that is very true. If we want things to change, if we don't want to be lonely or sad or stuck in a rut, then we need to choose to do something differently. Communicating our unhappiness and desire for change is definitely a part of that. Noone can help us or support us if they have no idea what's going on. But I think it is largely up to us, as humans with divinely given free will, to make our own decisions and make changes to make our lives what we want them to be. To seek out our own happiness, destiny, peace. Do what you love to do - do nothing else.

This is not something I am an expert at by any means, but something I am learning. I think it is a hard road and that you have to make alot of sacrifices for what you want in life. But for me, I'm learning to seek confidence, happiness and peace in my own life and believe that will positively affect the people around me.

I don't want to be feel like this any more. So, I'm beginning to make changes to my life... are you?

"Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt."

25 Random Things About Me...

1. I have only ever had one broken bone - I broke my wrist when I was 5 from riding down a steep hill on my bike too fast.

2. I wear flip flops/thongs as much as physically possible (winter or summer). I hate wearing socks and shoes.

3. I have lived in three different countries, 3 states, and 2 provinces.

4. I usually consider myself to have good work ethic and morals ... In 2005, I worked for a publishing company in Canada and hated it. The manager treated his staff so bad that one day after an upsetting staff meeting I went home for lunch and never went back. The next day I flew to Kansas City for a job interview and to look at Master's degree options. I got home from KC and half an hour later was offered another job in Canada to work at until I could go back to school in the states. I like to think of that as a sign from God that I did the right thing...

5. I had my first job when I was twelve working in a business my dad owned.

6. I have a tetris addiction...and cherry coke when I can find it.

7. When I was young, I was considered a tom-boy and played almost every sport in school and on club teams (basketball, volleyball, soccer, softball, figure skating, gymnastics, dancing, you name it..) Now I am about as far from an athlete as you can get.

8. If I could do anything I wanted as a profession - I would be a broadway musical theatre star

9. I once sang the National Anthem at a hockey game (not an NHL one though... I was never THAT good).

10. I miss snow...alot. I'd also rather be freezing cold than melting hot.

11. I have a scar on my chin from running straight into the brick wall of our church... I have no recollection of what the heck I was doing..but have the permanent scar to remind me not to do it again!!

12. I sang in a school choir every year from grade 1-12, including 2 jazz choirs and a show choir. The epitome of a choir nerd.

13. I love road trips and will rarely turn one down, especially spontaneous random ones and chaotic all-night journeys..

14. I once slept in a car in a parking lot on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.

15. I love cheezy movies and love to be inspired

16. Not many people know who I really am.

17. I don't like to eat foods that sounds gross (ie. goulash, squash, borscht)

18. I'm not as shy as people think I am.

19. I have a hard time accommodating people who think its ok to give attitude, or be rude or mean because they are having a bad day or are stressed. Everyone has bad days and feels grumpy sometimes.. your bad day is no more important than anyone elses, so people shouldn't feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you because you're in a bad mood. If you're upset, talk to someone or deal with it however works best for you.. but don't make the rest of the world feel bad too.

20. I sometimes think I am destined to take life on solo.

21. I always save all my important messages and emails..well almost.

22. My favourite childhood memory is spending winter Saturdays at the arena with my dad watching hockey games all day and eating steaming hot cheeseburgers while sitting on the freezing cold bleachers. Those were the best cheeseburgers ever.

23. My family and I used to drive 2h to go to church every Sunday. We lived in a small town with over 20 churches but going to OUR church was more important. I wouldn't have changed that for anything.. I now work for OUR church.

24. I have a tattoo on my back but nobody knows the reason I got it.

25. In the past five years my immediate family has expanded from 4 people (just me, my sister, mom and dad), to 11 (including a stepmom, stepdad, stepbro, stepsister, bro-in-law, and 2 nephews). I never tell them I miss them...but I do.


I wrote this as a facebook forward in 2009. I was just re-reading it and wanted to post it on here in my blog journal as well. It's kind of interesting to go back and see what I wanted to tell people about me then (and what I decided to leave out) and what I would change about the things I wrote, now in 2011.

I think I would still probably stick to most of the same things, but a few things have changed:
~ if I could do anything as a profession, it would still be a musical theatre performer, or the job I have now is pretty awesome too. it's about to not be my "job" anymore, but i know it still won't change how much i love it or stop me from doing the same things. i just might not get paid for it any more right now...
~ i miss snow, but mostly just around christmas time. i can't honestly say i hate living near the beach or having nice weather (well, when melbourne decides to have nice weather). but i do miss it alot at christmas and the whole christmas season.
~ i have created several new food rules on top of not eating foods that sound gross. basically they need to appeal to all five senses.
~ i think i would just alter #19 to be that i have a hard time with people who make you feel inferior, bad about yourself, not good enough, or like you have to walk on egg shells around them. i know i'm not perfect in all those areas ever, but they are definitely traits i try to avoid and be conscious I am not doing. i hate when other people make me feel bad and i hate doing it to others.
~ i still believe both #16, #18 and #20 to be true
~ i now have 3 nephews instead of 2... more people to miss.

happy birthday J-Hurl



today is one of my greatest friends' birthday. she is pretty important to me, let me tell you why:

- she is freaking hilarious. i laugh alot when i'm with her and it is good for my heart.

- she is deeply compassionate and caring and striving to find her place in the world that will let her express her love for people, her God, and to do good things that make a difference. she helps me remember that the spiritual connection between a having a relationship with God and finding ways to live meaningful, purpose-filled lives is important. she motivates me.

- she is a truly caring person and good at letting people know she cares and how much they mean to her. the people she loves - know it.

- she is talented. one of my favourite things to do with her is listen to her play me songs on her guitar and sing with her at home or in the car. i especially like when we play copeland songs.

- she'll talk to me about pretty much anything and i can do the same with her. i can trust her and she trusts me. that's pretty important.

- she knows how to make anyone's day just by doing something funny or laughing her awesome laugh or telling jokes or sometimes just by talking or crying with you or just reminding you it's ok to say "f*** you" every once in awhile..

today is her day. so today, i hope she feels all the love she gives back in return.

happy birthday jen!!! xoxo

chapel street

tonight i spent some time exploring a bit of chapel street in melbourne. i've never really been around this area before. i wish i had.

to think - i've wasted 3 years living in seaford when i could have been living here:

i think this is my kind of place. i think i would have liked it here... :)

it's a bittersweet symphony... this life

.expectations.

i've been thinking alot lately about expectations...


the expectations i put on others and whether they are realistic or even justified and even why i have any expectations at all
the expectations others put on me
the expectations i put on me
and where all these expectations have gotten me...




here's some food for thought on expectations that I liked. this in no way means i necessarily believe all of this or have any ability to actually do it on my own, no matter how much i may want to be able to. just some things to think about:



"...we seem to place some sort of godlike standard on some "special" people. then we are disappointed when we are disappointed with them? that's not fair, people are just people. it is our own job to make sure that our own hearts are taken care of and we are living our own lives, and not in some dream world we created in our minds."


"every time someone says EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED I like to punch them in the face and say, not as easy as it sounds is it?"

"Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyse your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness"


"There are no “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” in God’s world. Do what you want to do. Do what reflects you, what represents you as a grander version of your Self. If you want to feel bad, feel bad. But judge not, and neither condemn, for you know not why a thing occurs, nor to what end. And remember you this: that which you condemn will condemn you, and that which you judge, you will one day become. Rather, seek to change those things—or support others who are changing those things—which no longer reflect your highest sense of Who You Are. Yet, bless all—for all is the creation of God, through life living, and that is the highest creation."


"Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs"


"you cannot make anyone else love you. all you can do is let yourself be loved"


"It is generally known, that he who expects much will be often disappointed; yet disappointment seldon cures us of expectation, or has any effect other than that of producing a moral sentence or peevish exclamation"


"other people may not have had high expectations for me... but I had high expectations for myself."


"let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and every decade worth looking forward to."


"we should expect the best and the worst of mankind, as from the weather."


"always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed."


"i do my thing and you do yours. i am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. you are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. if not, it can't be helped." - Gestalt prayer

Do... Something

To be successful in life, it seems that so many people believe you need one thing: to be “the best”. We strive to be the strongest, the richest, the smartest, the most talented. We want “the best” for those around us so we work long hours and even numerous jobs to be able to provide for our families and even just to be accepted in our own fields of interest or expertise. We spend hours, days, years working at jobs and studying to be better than we are. Having goals, aspirations and the drive to succeed is all very admirable and are important for our sense of worth and accomplishment in life. But, sometimes I wonder…why? Why do we spend all this time and energy competing to get to the top and to live such full, eventful lives so we feel we have something to show for ourselves? So much so that lots of times we end up barely having time for anything else? Is being “the best” at something worth it if we become so driven towards our own goals in life that we neglect our families, friends, or even our own health and happiness? At the end of your life, will you be remembered by your family and friends by how much money you made, how smart you were, how driven, competitive, or successful you were in any area? And even if you are, is that what you would want to be remembered for? In the end, what really makes us “the best”? When it comes down to it, what is it that really matters?

I think I was about 10 or 11 when my grandfather passed away. I have fond memories of spending time with him when I was very young, eating licorice allsorts and him sitting in his lounge chair entertaining me and my cousins with what he would say were “funny jokes” where we might have called them “lame jokes”. His favourite was “Did you hear about the kidnapping at the shopping centre? ... The mum had to go and wake him up.” [insert eye roll and polite laughter here]. I don’t remember much about my grandpa’s funeral or truthfully much about who my grandfather was. I remember what he looked like and times when I was with him, but I don’t remember what he was good at or what he spent his life doing. I was never old enough to know much about what kind of person he really was or learn too many lessons from him that I could comprehend their meaning at the time. But I remember the quality time he spent with all of us, even at a young age. And I remember this poem that was read at his funeral. So I like to imagine my grandpa was a bit like this:


“You never know when someone
May catch a dream from you.
You never know when a little word
Or something you may do
May open up the windows
Of a mind that seeks the light…
The way you live may not matter at all,
But you never know, it might.”


Over the past ten years, I’ve travelled and lived in a lot of different places. I’ve been fortunate enough to become friends with many talented, motivated and successful people. They went after their goals and attempted to make their mark in the world. I’m proud of them for finding their passions and achieving their dreams. But, as I think about the people in my life from each of those places, the ones that have meant the most to me (my “best” friends) aren’t the ones with the highest degrees, the biggest houses, or the most money or fame. They are the ones that I’ve shared memorable moments with, went on spontaneous adventures with, shared good laughs and deep conversations with. They are the ones who stopped by to check in on me when they knew I was having a hard time, the ones who left random, unexpected notes to say hi or just show their appreciation. The ones who made the time and the effort to show they cared.

For me, “the best” people I know are the ones who have gone to the trouble to do little things to make even just a small impact. It’s not so much what they do, it’s that when faced with the choice to do something or do nothing, they chose to do SOMETHING. They chose to smile as they walked by instead of looking at the ground. They chose to write that note or make that phone call just to say hi, or to spend time talking out problems, offering encouragement or advice, or pondering life’s questions in silence. Instead of taking some much needed rest from their already busy lives, they chose to spend time with friends, or do something to help another person in need. I think the part that makes all of those “somethings” REALLY something is that they did them, not because they had anything to gain or were obligated in any way, but simply because they could. They chose to care.

From time to time over the years, I’ve been brought back to this poem and the memory of my grandpa. It gives me encouragement to instead of doing nothing, do something. To be “the best” person I can be, I think that sometimes it’s important to step out of the competitive ring and put aside my personal goals and agendas, my work, my projects and time fillers to do something that matters or to take the time to show care and support to someone I love. Simply because, in reality, the things we choose to do may make no difference and we may never know if they even meant anything at all. But “… you never know, it might”.

- editorial for the victoria reminder

.lara.

i just finished booking my trip to brisbane for next weekend to visit my friend lara and to hear her play a gig on sunday. she is a truly incredibly talented girl and one of those people who just really blesses my life every time i'm around her... which sadly, isn't very often. but i feel lucky to get to know her and call her my friend.

this me and lara almost 6 years ago when i lived with her family for 2 months during my worldservice corps term in sydney.

this is her on youtube:

this is her website: http://www.lara-janethompson.com/
you should buy her album on her website or itunes.

because she is pretty awesome.



i. can't. wait. for. brisbane. :)

good advice??

.shells.

i was sitting here tonight reading through some old letters and emails. every once in awhile i come back to this blog i have saved on my computer. one day a few months after i arrived in australia, i came across this on my friend's blog page, that i had never noticed before. i was surprised to see my photo at the top of the blog and even more surprised to read what he wrote. this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me and means even more knowing that he didn't just write it to make me feel good about myself or to say what he thought he should say. he didn't even tell me he wrote it. but looking back almost 3 years later, i can truly say it has shaped me and my life here. it changed me. in numerous ways, it has become a big part of me (so much so, that you may have noticed it inspired the quote at the top of my blog page). and it has been a reminder to me to focus on my own sense of call and direction and let the rest of the things in my life (my shells) drop into place around it . but most of all, it means a lot because since the first time i read it i have been able to come back to this when i've been in doubt, wondered why i am here and what i'm doing, feeling lonely or sad or distant from all the things and people i moved away from. it reminds me of my purpose. it sets me straight. and it reminds me that if nothing else, there was at least one person who, at one time, believed in me and supported me in going where i felt i was being led...

I had the recent opportunity to spend a weekend in Canada with two very good friends. While it was considered a mini vacation for me, as I’m sure it was for the others, it was more because one of them was leaving for Australia and would be gone for a few years. Okay, maybe you didn’t catch that - my friend is leaving for Australia for a few YEARS. Let me tell you a little about her story, then maybe it will sink a little better for you.

For sake of anonymity, we will call said Australian bound friend Rachelle. Rachelle spent two years with me at Oklahoma State University studying leadership. Actually, she put up with me for a year in the same building. Rachelle is pretty unique though. She handled my uniqueness like she had known me forever and taught me quite a few lessons along the way. It was always our goal to take over the world at some point, but we always set our sights within reason and decided to take over OSU first. We did. We practically owned that place when we left. We let a few people in, like a character named Tapley, but few others had the candor or brains to master what we had in the works.

The reason I bring Rachelle into this blog is because she has done something that few others in this world have done. She left her family, friends, and everything that is familiar to her to pursue the few things God has for her. Rob Bell’s Shells 020 Nooma speaks about having so many tiny fragments of shells in our hands as we walk down the beach that when we see something whole and complete, like a starfish in the water, we can’t pick it up because we are holding too many shells. In other words, we have so many things going on in our lives that when that one thing that God has called us to do comes along, we can’t pick it up or say “yes” because we are holding too much already.

Rachelle has made a commitment to work for the church and serve in the ministry for four years. For four years she will be away from everything she has known because she was able to pick up the few things that God has called her to do. What an honor it is to know someone like this. Thank you “Rachelle” for following God’s calling and sacrificing so much of your life to do his will.

So my question to you is this: what are you holding on to, what can’t you say “no” to and what things have filled your hands to the point where you can’t pick up and say “yes” to the few things God has for you? For me - I have a lot of things that I’m holding on to. But I look at Rachelle and those who have sacrificed so much of their lives to serve in the ministry, and I see hope for what is in store for me. I’m working on slowly dropping those small things that tie up my hands so that when God calls me to the big picture I will be ready to grab on with both hands and enjoy the ride!