choosing to change

"Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important."

I read this quote on another blog today. 

I spend alot of time talking with people, writing, blogging, sharing in discussions, classes, worships, about a bunch of things that seem important. We talk about our days, our lives, loves, faith, beliefs, passions. All things I think are really important. 

But I'm still here, alone. Even when I'm with other people, I still feel really alone. I think loneliness does come from being alone. But it also encompasses alot more than that.

Is communicating enough to cure loneliness?

I don't always tell everyone all of what's on my mind but I'm not sure that would make me feel any better or my situation any more ideal. Sometimes telling people what's on my mind and how I really feel makes me feel worse. Many times, especially recently, I find it hard to even talk about my struggles with loneliness, health, etc. without fighting back tears. But I am trying to be more open with people. So I tell them. Then, I've given of myself, my insecurities, my struggles and shared with them. But what are they meant to do with that? They listen and care, but then they go to be with their families and people they love, and I'm still here. Alone. And all I really feel is their pity. That's not what I want.

So I think that while communicating is important and does help us feel more connected, build relationships and trust, and allow others to show love and support for us. There is more we need to do.

We are choosers of our own destiny.

If we want to be happy and not be lonely or sad, then we need to make choices and changes in our lives that will direct us on that path. We need to do what we need to do to make ourselves happy and feel good about the lives we are living. I feel like saying that sounds a bit selfish, like we should only look out for ourselves and screw everyone else. That's not really what I mean. I mean look out for yourself, your happiness, and do what you need to do with compassion, understanding and care for the lives of the people around you and those which your choices affect. But I ultimately think that if we choose to make ourselves happy, then the lives we touch will be better off as well. "How can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself?"

One of my friends always uses the quote "nothing changes if nothing changes" and I think that is very true. If we want things to change, if we don't want to be lonely or sad or stuck in a rut, then we need to choose to do something differently. Communicating our unhappiness and desire for change is definitely a part of that. Noone can help us or support us if they have no idea what's going on. But I think it is largely up to us, as humans with divinely given free will, to make our own decisions and make changes to make our lives what we want them to be. To seek out our own happiness, destiny, peace. Do what you love to do - do nothing else.

This is not something I am an expert at by any means, but something I am learning. I think it is a hard road and that you have to make alot of sacrifices for what you want in life. But for me, I'm learning to seek confidence, happiness and peace in my own life and believe that will positively affect the people around me.

I don't want to be feel like this any more. So, I'm beginning to make changes to my life... are you?

"Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt."

.expectations.

i've been thinking alot lately about expectations...


the expectations i put on others and whether they are realistic or even justified and even why i have any expectations at all
the expectations others put on me
the expectations i put on me
and where all these expectations have gotten me...




here's some food for thought on expectations that I liked. this in no way means i necessarily believe all of this or have any ability to actually do it on my own, no matter how much i may want to be able to. just some things to think about:



"...we seem to place some sort of godlike standard on some "special" people. then we are disappointed when we are disappointed with them? that's not fair, people are just people. it is our own job to make sure that our own hearts are taken care of and we are living our own lives, and not in some dream world we created in our minds."


"every time someone says EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED I like to punch them in the face and say, not as easy as it sounds is it?"

"Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Don't over-analyse your relationships. Stop playing games. A growing relationship can only be nurtured by genuineness"


"There are no “shoulds” or “shouldn’ts” in God’s world. Do what you want to do. Do what reflects you, what represents you as a grander version of your Self. If you want to feel bad, feel bad. But judge not, and neither condemn, for you know not why a thing occurs, nor to what end. And remember you this: that which you condemn will condemn you, and that which you judge, you will one day become. Rather, seek to change those things—or support others who are changing those things—which no longer reflect your highest sense of Who You Are. Yet, bless all—for all is the creation of God, through life living, and that is the highest creation."


"Keep high aspirations, moderate expectations, and small needs"


"you cannot make anyone else love you. all you can do is let yourself be loved"


"It is generally known, that he who expects much will be often disappointed; yet disappointment seldon cures us of expectation, or has any effect other than that of producing a moral sentence or peevish exclamation"


"other people may not have had high expectations for me... but I had high expectations for myself."


"let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and every decade worth looking forward to."


"we should expect the best and the worst of mankind, as from the weather."


"always expect the worst, and you will never be disappointed."


"i do my thing and you do yours. i am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. you are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. if not, it can't be helped." - Gestalt prayer

.shells.

i was sitting here tonight reading through some old letters and emails. every once in awhile i come back to this blog i have saved on my computer. one day a few months after i arrived in australia, i came across this on my friend's blog page, that i had never noticed before. i was surprised to see my photo at the top of the blog and even more surprised to read what he wrote. this is probably the nicest thing anyone has ever said about me and means even more knowing that he didn't just write it to make me feel good about myself or to say what he thought he should say. he didn't even tell me he wrote it. but looking back almost 3 years later, i can truly say it has shaped me and my life here. it changed me. in numerous ways, it has become a big part of me (so much so, that you may have noticed it inspired the quote at the top of my blog page). and it has been a reminder to me to focus on my own sense of call and direction and let the rest of the things in my life (my shells) drop into place around it . but most of all, it means a lot because since the first time i read it i have been able to come back to this when i've been in doubt, wondered why i am here and what i'm doing, feeling lonely or sad or distant from all the things and people i moved away from. it reminds me of my purpose. it sets me straight. and it reminds me that if nothing else, there was at least one person who, at one time, believed in me and supported me in going where i felt i was being led...

I had the recent opportunity to spend a weekend in Canada with two very good friends. While it was considered a mini vacation for me, as I’m sure it was for the others, it was more because one of them was leaving for Australia and would be gone for a few years. Okay, maybe you didn’t catch that - my friend is leaving for Australia for a few YEARS. Let me tell you a little about her story, then maybe it will sink a little better for you.

For sake of anonymity, we will call said Australian bound friend Rachelle. Rachelle spent two years with me at Oklahoma State University studying leadership. Actually, she put up with me for a year in the same building. Rachelle is pretty unique though. She handled my uniqueness like she had known me forever and taught me quite a few lessons along the way. It was always our goal to take over the world at some point, but we always set our sights within reason and decided to take over OSU first. We did. We practically owned that place when we left. We let a few people in, like a character named Tapley, but few others had the candor or brains to master what we had in the works.

The reason I bring Rachelle into this blog is because she has done something that few others in this world have done. She left her family, friends, and everything that is familiar to her to pursue the few things God has for her. Rob Bell’s Shells 020 Nooma speaks about having so many tiny fragments of shells in our hands as we walk down the beach that when we see something whole and complete, like a starfish in the water, we can’t pick it up because we are holding too many shells. In other words, we have so many things going on in our lives that when that one thing that God has called us to do comes along, we can’t pick it up or say “yes” because we are holding too much already.

Rachelle has made a commitment to work for the church and serve in the ministry for four years. For four years she will be away from everything she has known because she was able to pick up the few things that God has called her to do. What an honor it is to know someone like this. Thank you “Rachelle” for following God’s calling and sacrificing so much of your life to do his will.

So my question to you is this: what are you holding on to, what can’t you say “no” to and what things have filled your hands to the point where you can’t pick up and say “yes” to the few things God has for you? For me - I have a lot of things that I’m holding on to. But I look at Rachelle and those who have sacrificed so much of their lives to serve in the ministry, and I see hope for what is in store for me. I’m working on slowly dropping those small things that tie up my hands so that when God calls me to the big picture I will be ready to grab on with both hands and enjoy the ride!

.faith in action.

.faith in action. - peace blog

i like when i read about my friends making a bit of positive difference in the world...



tomorrow is a new day

sometimes it can be hard to keep a smiling face

when things get hard, when you fall and literally can't get back up, when you feel something you know you shouldn't, when someone else has something you want and you can't figure out what you did wrong

it can be difficult to be strong, to brush it off, to not take it personally

sometimes it can be hard to be the rock, pretend you don't care

to be supportive when all you feel is completely the opposite, hurt, green with....

it may even bring tears to your eyes, crush your spirit, your composure, or turn your face a flushing shade of red 

sometimes it can be hard to let it go...

but let it go. it's probably not as bad or maybe not even what it seems. in the end, will it really even matter?

take a breath. find something that makes you happy. and focus on what really matters and what will still matter tomorrow.



.passion.

photo by claire johnson

20 questions that could change your life

i came across this article awhile ago and thought i would post it here.

incase, by some chance, they change your life.

inspiration from a friend

to all my friends facing life changes, new adventures, life struggles, and uncertainty...

"You are so young. You stand before beginnings. I would beg of you, dear friend, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that remains unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not look now for answers because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to LIVE the question. Perhaps you will gradually without even knowing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day."

- Letters to a young Poet

May today there be peace within.

May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born in yourself and others.

May you use the gifts that you have received,

and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May... you be content with yourself just the way you are.

I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn’t hold - that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.’

—Dr. Maya Angelou

.advice from chloe.

Because we all need to be reminded of this sometimes

.love.

you cannot make anyone else love you


all you can do


is let yourself be loved

content

"There is something great about knowing that my only job is to be as happy as I can be about my life, and feel as good as I can about myself, and to lead as full and eventful a life as I can, so that it doesn't ever feel like I'm just waiting around..."

.all there is.

this is quite possibly my favourite photo ever.
i like it so much i got a tattoo (of a different heart) inked on my back.

it inspires me.

if i were to put words to this photo, or to add to my tattoo, they would be from a book called conversations with god:

.love is all there is.

because that's what i aspire to one day. to love: unconditionally, my family, friends, my life, each moment, without judgment, completely, all there is.