here. but not here. but there.

sometimes, i am here - but i don't feel really here. physically i am here. but my mind is somewhere else. this sometimes, happens alot.

i am awake, my eyes are open but i feel tired and distant. i think maybe my health condition has a bit to do with that. and i am soo soo grateful that i have tons more energy and mobility than i did at this time last year. i feel almost normal again... well, most of the time. i have my days/moments that bring it all back. but other times, i sleep long hours and wake up, do one or two little things and feel exhausted again. other people's down-time has become my busy time. the fact that what people do during their holidays and relaxing days is a busy day for me, is not something that makes me feel good.

i miss feeling alive. awake. busy. purposeful.

.. and less like this...zombie-like state. where i walk around but i'm not really completely there. it gets me in trouble sometimes, when my mind is too deep in thoughts or other places and i'm not focusing on what's happening around me. i do stupid things. i get flustered which often causes me to make the situation worse. i never used to be like that... well, maybe sometimes. but not as frequently. i feel less grounded, strong, composed, together - like i used to.

i'm looking forward to when being with people is a part of my daily life again. i'm looking forward to working on gaining back my foundations, my grounding, my strength and my sense of myself and the confidence in existing that i used to have. i'm looking forward to having my friends and support systems around me again. i'm looking forward to being a part of a family again. i'm looking forward to working on myself, my health and the possibilities for my future.

soon.. :)