.arms.

i hope that you see right through my walls
i hope that you catch me because i'm already falling

here. but not here. but there.

sometimes, i am here - but i don't feel really here. physically i am here. but my mind is somewhere else. this sometimes, happens alot.

i am awake, my eyes are open but i feel tired and distant. i think maybe my health condition has a bit to do with that. and i am soo soo grateful that i have tons more energy and mobility than i did at this time last year. i feel almost normal again... well, most of the time. i have my days/moments that bring it all back. but other times, i sleep long hours and wake up, do one or two little things and feel exhausted again. other people's down-time has become my busy time. the fact that what people do during their holidays and relaxing days is a busy day for me, is not something that makes me feel good.

i miss feeling alive. awake. busy. purposeful.

.. and less like this...zombie-like state. where i walk around but i'm not really completely there. it gets me in trouble sometimes, when my mind is too deep in thoughts or other places and i'm not focusing on what's happening around me. i do stupid things. i get flustered which often causes me to make the situation worse. i never used to be like that... well, maybe sometimes. but not as frequently. i feel less grounded, strong, composed, together - like i used to.

i'm looking forward to when being with people is a part of my daily life again. i'm looking forward to working on gaining back my foundations, my grounding, my strength and my sense of myself and the confidence in existing that i used to have. i'm looking forward to having my friends and support systems around me again. i'm looking forward to being a part of a family again. i'm looking forward to working on myself, my health and the possibilities for my future.

soon.. :)

choosing to change

"Loneliness does not come from being alone, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important."

I read this quote on another blog today. 

I spend alot of time talking with people, writing, blogging, sharing in discussions, classes, worships, about a bunch of things that seem important. We talk about our days, our lives, loves, faith, beliefs, passions. All things I think are really important. 

But I'm still here, alone. Even when I'm with other people, I still feel really alone. I think loneliness does come from being alone. But it also encompasses alot more than that.

Is communicating enough to cure loneliness?

I don't always tell everyone all of what's on my mind but I'm not sure that would make me feel any better or my situation any more ideal. Sometimes telling people what's on my mind and how I really feel makes me feel worse. Many times, especially recently, I find it hard to even talk about my struggles with loneliness, health, etc. without fighting back tears. But I am trying to be more open with people. So I tell them. Then, I've given of myself, my insecurities, my struggles and shared with them. But what are they meant to do with that? They listen and care, but then they go to be with their families and people they love, and I'm still here. Alone. And all I really feel is their pity. That's not what I want.

So I think that while communicating is important and does help us feel more connected, build relationships and trust, and allow others to show love and support for us. There is more we need to do.

We are choosers of our own destiny.

If we want to be happy and not be lonely or sad, then we need to make choices and changes in our lives that will direct us on that path. We need to do what we need to do to make ourselves happy and feel good about the lives we are living. I feel like saying that sounds a bit selfish, like we should only look out for ourselves and screw everyone else. That's not really what I mean. I mean look out for yourself, your happiness, and do what you need to do with compassion, understanding and care for the lives of the people around you and those which your choices affect. But I ultimately think that if we choose to make ourselves happy, then the lives we touch will be better off as well. "How can anyone else love you if you don't love yourself?"

One of my friends always uses the quote "nothing changes if nothing changes" and I think that is very true. If we want things to change, if we don't want to be lonely or sad or stuck in a rut, then we need to choose to do something differently. Communicating our unhappiness and desire for change is definitely a part of that. Noone can help us or support us if they have no idea what's going on. But I think it is largely up to us, as humans with divinely given free will, to make our own decisions and make changes to make our lives what we want them to be. To seek out our own happiness, destiny, peace. Do what you love to do - do nothing else.

This is not something I am an expert at by any means, but something I am learning. I think it is a hard road and that you have to make alot of sacrifices for what you want in life. But for me, I'm learning to seek confidence, happiness and peace in my own life and believe that will positively affect the people around me.

I don't want to be feel like this any more. So, I'm beginning to make changes to my life... are you?

"Nothing changes if nothing changes, and if I keep doing what I've always done, I'll keep getting what I've always got, and will keep feeling what I always felt."

25 Random Things About Me...

1. I have only ever had one broken bone - I broke my wrist when I was 5 from riding down a steep hill on my bike too fast.

2. I wear flip flops/thongs as much as physically possible (winter or summer). I hate wearing socks and shoes.

3. I have lived in three different countries, 3 states, and 2 provinces.

4. I usually consider myself to have good work ethic and morals ... In 2005, I worked for a publishing company in Canada and hated it. The manager treated his staff so bad that one day after an upsetting staff meeting I went home for lunch and never went back. The next day I flew to Kansas City for a job interview and to look at Master's degree options. I got home from KC and half an hour later was offered another job in Canada to work at until I could go back to school in the states. I like to think of that as a sign from God that I did the right thing...

5. I had my first job when I was twelve working in a business my dad owned.

6. I have a tetris addiction...and cherry coke when I can find it.

7. When I was young, I was considered a tom-boy and played almost every sport in school and on club teams (basketball, volleyball, soccer, softball, figure skating, gymnastics, dancing, you name it..) Now I am about as far from an athlete as you can get.

8. If I could do anything I wanted as a profession - I would be a broadway musical theatre star

9. I once sang the National Anthem at a hockey game (not an NHL one though... I was never THAT good).

10. I miss snow...alot. I'd also rather be freezing cold than melting hot.

11. I have a scar on my chin from running straight into the brick wall of our church... I have no recollection of what the heck I was doing..but have the permanent scar to remind me not to do it again!!

12. I sang in a school choir every year from grade 1-12, including 2 jazz choirs and a show choir. The epitome of a choir nerd.

13. I love road trips and will rarely turn one down, especially spontaneous random ones and chaotic all-night journeys..

14. I once slept in a car in a parking lot on Bourbon Street in New Orleans.

15. I love cheezy movies and love to be inspired

16. Not many people know who I really am.

17. I don't like to eat foods that sounds gross (ie. goulash, squash, borscht)

18. I'm not as shy as people think I am.

19. I have a hard time accommodating people who think its ok to give attitude, or be rude or mean because they are having a bad day or are stressed. Everyone has bad days and feels grumpy sometimes.. your bad day is no more important than anyone elses, so people shouldn't feel like they have to walk on eggshells around you because you're in a bad mood. If you're upset, talk to someone or deal with it however works best for you.. but don't make the rest of the world feel bad too.

20. I sometimes think I am destined to take life on solo.

21. I always save all my important messages and emails..well almost.

22. My favourite childhood memory is spending winter Saturdays at the arena with my dad watching hockey games all day and eating steaming hot cheeseburgers while sitting on the freezing cold bleachers. Those were the best cheeseburgers ever.

23. My family and I used to drive 2h to go to church every Sunday. We lived in a small town with over 20 churches but going to OUR church was more important. I wouldn't have changed that for anything.. I now work for OUR church.

24. I have a tattoo on my back but nobody knows the reason I got it.

25. In the past five years my immediate family has expanded from 4 people (just me, my sister, mom and dad), to 11 (including a stepmom, stepdad, stepbro, stepsister, bro-in-law, and 2 nephews). I never tell them I miss them...but I do.


I wrote this as a facebook forward in 2009. I was just re-reading it and wanted to post it on here in my blog journal as well. It's kind of interesting to go back and see what I wanted to tell people about me then (and what I decided to leave out) and what I would change about the things I wrote, now in 2011.

I think I would still probably stick to most of the same things, but a few things have changed:
~ if I could do anything as a profession, it would still be a musical theatre performer, or the job I have now is pretty awesome too. it's about to not be my "job" anymore, but i know it still won't change how much i love it or stop me from doing the same things. i just might not get paid for it any more right now...
~ i miss snow, but mostly just around christmas time. i can't honestly say i hate living near the beach or having nice weather (well, when melbourne decides to have nice weather). but i do miss it alot at christmas and the whole christmas season.
~ i have created several new food rules on top of not eating foods that sound gross. basically they need to appeal to all five senses.
~ i think i would just alter #19 to be that i have a hard time with people who make you feel inferior, bad about yourself, not good enough, or like you have to walk on egg shells around them. i know i'm not perfect in all those areas ever, but they are definitely traits i try to avoid and be conscious I am not doing. i hate when other people make me feel bad and i hate doing it to others.
~ i still believe both #16, #18 and #20 to be true
~ i now have 3 nephews instead of 2... more people to miss.

happy birthday J-Hurl



today is one of my greatest friends' birthday. she is pretty important to me, let me tell you why:

- she is freaking hilarious. i laugh alot when i'm with her and it is good for my heart.

- she is deeply compassionate and caring and striving to find her place in the world that will let her express her love for people, her God, and to do good things that make a difference. she helps me remember that the spiritual connection between a having a relationship with God and finding ways to live meaningful, purpose-filled lives is important. she motivates me.

- she is a truly caring person and good at letting people know she cares and how much they mean to her. the people she loves - know it.

- she is talented. one of my favourite things to do with her is listen to her play me songs on her guitar and sing with her at home or in the car. i especially like when we play copeland songs.

- she'll talk to me about pretty much anything and i can do the same with her. i can trust her and she trusts me. that's pretty important.

- she knows how to make anyone's day just by doing something funny or laughing her awesome laugh or telling jokes or sometimes just by talking or crying with you or just reminding you it's ok to say "f*** you" every once in awhile..

today is her day. so today, i hope she feels all the love she gives back in return.

happy birthday jen!!! xoxo

Day 30 - Your Favourite Song at This Time Last Year

... because i liked this song then and i do now. and it all comes full circle in the end.



this was fun - but i'm pretty glad it wasn't called the 40 Day Song Challenge :)

Day 29 - A Song From Your Childhood

... because they were pretty popular when i was a kid. ooooh baby!

Day 28 - A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

... because one day i hope i can be like "the girl" because right now i don't know that i am as much as i would like to be...

Day 27 - A Song You Wish You Could Play

... because i think it sounds amazing. one day i will actually find music for this and learn how to play it. it will happen.

Day 26 - A Song You Can Play On An Instrument

... because it's one of my favourite songs to play on the piano

chapel street

tonight i spent some time exploring a bit of chapel street in melbourne. i've never really been around this area before. i wish i had.

to think - i've wasted 3 years living in seaford when i could have been living here:

i think this is my kind of place. i think i would have liked it here... :)

Day 25 - A Song That Makes You Laugh

... because it's a bit nostalgic but for some reason this ridiculous ad that used to be on tv when i was young popped into my head.

lessons for life, really... ;)

Day 24 - A Song You Want Played At Your Funeral

... i really have no idea. does anyone actually know what they want played at their funeral? ... or is it just me?

Day 23 - A Song You Want To Play At Your Wedding

... because i think this song is really pretty. i used to say it was one for my wedding... but i'm not sure now. but it's the closest one i've got ... minus all the pictures of aaliyah..